Headed Home

My days were counting down...my therapies were getting better...I was walking with a walker, I was doing most tasks on my own. I'd still use my wheelchair away from physical therapy. Mostly, I'd be worn out. Kristen worked me hard, lol.
Laurie Ann, my speech therapist, worked on my memory. She had alot of trouble with that, as my short term memory was near non-existant. My mom still came everyday, with me to my therapies.
Closer to one of the Wednesdays, when my rehab DR would meet with all of the therapists, he got the idea that I may have problems once I got home. Mainly, the problems with drinking would return and that I might go back to my boyfriend.
My mom shared the same fears, and expressed those fears to the DR. They agreed that maybe a rehabilitation nursing home would be good for me. So, while on the phone with my boyfriend, a lady walked in from some nursing home, I don't remember her name.
I got off the phone, and watched her as she approached me. She explained where she was from, and that she'd love it if I would come down and view the facility. She also told me it'd be a great place for me to continue my therapies, in a safe and enjoyable atmosphere. I can't explain how mad I was at even the thought of me going to a nursing home! I yelled at her, telling her there was no way I was staying at a place that I knew had old people staying there! I just wanted to go home! To stay with my family! To me, I'd learned the mistakes that caused all of this....mostly, I WANTED TO GO HOME!
For a moment, I had a suspition as to who set this up. My mother. So, I called her, angry at the idea of wanting me to go to a nursing home! In my own madness, I explained to her that I learned what stupid things I'd done, that it was over, I wasnt going back to those ways! Ok, so I was furious at the thought.
For a few minutes, we argued over the idea of me going to this "home". To the point, she worried about me coming home. She, in some words, tried to explain her fears of me going back to my boyfriend, of drinking, of screwing my life up again. When I continually tried to get my point across, that my drinking days were done, that I just wanted to come home, she cried some more and hung up on me. For the first time that I can remember, my mom hung up on me.
I guess, no visits tonight from her. How could I show my mom that I was done with the alcohol? It nearly ruined my life. Hell, it nearly killed me! The weeks I spent getting my legs to work again.  The weeks I spent learning to brush my teeth, to work on seeing right again, being fed with a feeding tube, dealing with the shaved head, the pain and headaches from my surgeries...and she worried I'd go back to alcohol!!! There was only one thing I had to say: WHAT THE HELL!?!I did have one visitor that evening. Pastor Tom, a pastor at our local church. The pastor that continually prayed over me throughout  all of my surgeries, through the rehab, through it all. He gave my mom the money for gas, to come and see me. Looking into his face, there were no smiles, no reassuring looks. He only had the look of being upset."Elicia," he started talking. I sat on my bed, turned the television off. I sat there, waiting for him to say the next words. I didnt know what they'd be, but it seemed it wasnt going to be nice. "I've witnessed you going through so much these past few weeks. Seems you want to go home soon, to your mom's home." I sat there waiting for more. "But you're mom is panicking, she doesnt know where to go from at this point. She is struggling on what to believe from you, even with what you've dealt with so far.""Can I speak Tom?" I asked, with somewhat of an attitude. "Sure" he said."I've learned, these last few weeks. I cant explain all that I've learned, but I know there's a reason I'm here still. I know that God has a plan for me. I don't know what that plan is, but I want to learn more. The drinking is done, I can't explain how done it is." I start crying at that point. "I just want to go home. I mean, how do I show my mom that I have changed? How??" I was sobbing by that pont. Pastor Tom didnt move, his facial expression didnt change. "Elicia, you need to do some major changes. You need to find a way to absolutely show her that you mean what you're saying to me. You only have one shot, one chance."Pastor Tom gave me a hug, then said prayers over my head. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about what he said. My mom never called back to apologize for hanging up on me. I understand why she didnt. I, in my own way, knew why she was so scared. I remembered who I was before the fall. Cruel, drunk constantly, abused and never doing anything about it. Feeling that somehow I deserved the abuse, but never knowing why. I hurt over all of this, but I could never imagine how hurt my mom felt all these years.
I got my evening meds and fell asleep, all the while dreaming about what I was going to do.

Unkwown title....my ventings

Back at the hospital, I laid on my bed and decided to watch some TV. My phone rang; it was him.

I find it very hard to write about this time. Now, 3 years later, I know how cruel he is. I know how abusive he is, how much of an alcoholic he is. Looking back is just a struggle now...knowing too much reality about him.

I wish I could fast forward through this time, wipe it out of my memory. I wish I could wipe out the entire three years, like this never happened to me. I will never know the reason of why...I will never know how God allowed all of this to happen to me. There was a time that I was okay with it, thankful for how it transformed my life. And, in a way, I still am thankful. I wouldnt be a good mom, had this not happened. I wouldnt have learned from the mistakes I made. Hmmm, I would've probably died from those mistakes.

But, from time to time, I still find myself in a way, arguing with God. Why? Why did this happen? Had I been so wrong in life? Just...why?

And the siezures I have to this day...even though I'd had them before the fall, they are now stronger, more frequent...the deafness, the partial facial paralysis. I know I'll write more about this, I promise. I guess this blog is one of my ventings, I guess that's why the blog was named "Elicia Venting."

I know that God never allows us to go through more than He knows we can bear. But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to quit. To cry out, to even scream. Yes, I'm human...but I have days of wanting to break down, of telling God that He was wrong. But again, who am I to say that God is wrong? After all, wasn't He who pulled me out of this hell? Wasn't it Him who gave me a second chance to make things right again? Maybe my life is like a catch-22. Be thankful for what I have still, but take deep breaths over the hard days...

I know this much...I am thankful for this change in heart, hard as it is to say. I'm in a way, happier, more thankful for each day, thankful for my friends, thankful for my family, thankful just in general.

I see things in a different view now. I try my hardest not to hate or be negative, like I used to be. I now know that life is a gift, and I don't want to waste it like I'd done before. I know I hold onto each day, I thank God for that day, over and over again. I thank God for the people He's put in my life.

Second visit home

For whatever reason, I was given a second home pass. By this time, my head wound was nearly healed, but there were still bandages for who knows why. When I left the hospital, I ripped off the bandage. Let the wound have air, I thought to myself. Let it heal on its own, quit giving it unneeded medicines.

I was a tad more direct than last time I visited home. I had my mom buy me cigarettes, threw out the patch the hospital had me on, and attempted to hang out with my brother. Sad, almost funny part was, I had no muscle control on the right side of my face. So, with each inhale, I couldn't really hold the smoke in my mouth. So, it just came out when it wanted. And, I chain smoked. Again, without having a reason, I smoked nonstop.

Again, I got to see everyone. The guy they said was my oldest brother, Leslie, he called. Who was this guy? I asked myself.

Jade was there, playing outside with Robert. People came to visit, some stayed, some came and went. Rob and Brandy shared the latest from her doctor visit, she was about 6 weeks pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant? I thought they'd tried for years with no success? And now, she's pregnant?

When I had a moment alone, I called him again. This time, I gave him my hospital phone number, so that we could keep in touch while I was still there. This time, my mom (I don't think) didn't know.

My first doctor visit

Pastor Tom and my Mom came and took me to my doctor's appointment Monday morning. I had to take my wheelchair, which was fine for some reason, I don't remember now. But, anyway, we loaded up in Tom's car and road down to Aultman. He unloaded us at one of the patient entrance doors, and we waited for him to walk in with us.
I went into imaging and signed in for my CT Scan. After a few short minutes, I went to another room undressed and got a hospital gown on, and went into a closed off room where the CT Scan awaited me. No memories, I thought to myself. Oh well.
CT Scan done, I got dressed again, and went out to meet my mom and Tom so that we could head up to the doctor's office. After signing in, we took a seat in the waiting room. Within a few minutes, we were called back by some nurse to a room waiting there for us. She did the routine tests, blood pressure, pulse, the oxygen level, and my temperature.
"The doctor will be with you in just a few minutes," she said as she closed the door.
I was able to get on the patient's table with little help. My mom commented on how my arms were getting stronger. She said "must be all of the therapy you're doing," and gave me a wink. Mom's idea of Occupational Therapy was far different from what the hospital considered OT.
No one said anything for a few minutes in that room. Dr. Weiner stepped in a few minutes later, shook hands with us, then looked at me.
"You damn near killed yourself, you know that Elicia," he started by saying. "In fact, the only thing that saved you was your level of intoxication." He showed me the BAC in my chart, but I don't remember the right number.
"I'm not going to preach to you about what alcohol can do to you, I PRAY you know that by now. What I DO want to hear is how after you get out of the hospital, that you FULLY intend on getting help with your past drinking. AND, that you keep your past, in the PAST."
Despite his "not wanting to preach to me" he was. And I guess rightfully so. I mean, come on, from what I knew, I fell off a 25ft balcony, head on. To top that off, I was VERY drunk. Way to go, Elicia. Way to instill the knowledge into your mom's brain and heart that her only daughter was/is a drunk.
"As far as your CT Scan goes, everything is healing fine." He went on. "The incisions that I made are healing good, the plates and screws are intact. Unless you have any questions, I'll go ahead and release you from my own care." He gave a quick glance, to which I shrugged. No questions here. I looked at my mom and at Tom. No questions there...Ok, lets go back.
"Oh, one other question for you." Dr. Weiner asked me. "Any plans of drinking again?" To which I quickly shook my head, NOOOOO....there was no way in God's earthly name was I going to touch another drop.
"Ok, well, just to keep you up to date on this," he continued "I had to remove a small portion of your brain out to stop the bleeding. I hope you have no intentions, because the area I took out, its the area that controls the distribution of where the alcohol goes. Since there's no place for it to go, you could die from it. So, that's ultimately your call, but just a fair warning. Have a nice day! And, good luck to you!" With that, Dr, Weiner walked out of the room.
Afterwards, Tom offered to take us to eat. I chose the Waffle House, because that's simply what I wanted. I missed their food, for some goofy reason. And, I missed their coffee, haha. For whatever reason, I had my mom sit on my left side. I couldnt hear her. Why couldnt I hear my mom? Oh, it really started to frustrate me!

Countdown to going home!

I had just a few weeks to go. I was quickly progressing through all my therapies. I had another swallow test, which I passed. I was now allowed soft foods, with no thickeners. Cereals, eggs, mashed potatoes. I still had the protein shakes 3 times a day. I ordered coffee for every meal.

My parents would take turns coming to visit. One time my dad came to visit, I was laying on my bed, watching television. He is a quiet man, who loves to read. He came in, gave me hugs, asked how I was doing. And then, he comensed to reading a book he'd brought with him. So, I commensed to watching the television. After 30 minutes or so, he gave me hugs again, said that mom would be there tomorrow, and left. Such a quiet, peaceful man.

One day, my brother, my sister-in-law Brandy, Jade, and my son came to visit. Jade and Robert did their usual "brother/sister" stories, while the adults talked to me.

"Do you remember Brandy and I staying one night with you at Aultman?" my brother asked me.

"Vaguely. I remember bugging you for a cigarette, but thats it," I answered, kinda laughing at myself.

"Ok," he answered back laughing also. He looked at Brandy, who was also chuckling. "Do you remember anything else that happened that night?"

"No," I answered, kind of confused now. "Am I supposed to remember anything?"

"Oh my God!" Brandy laughed out loud! "You were such a wreck that night! You were a mean monster! And thats being nice about it!" She continued.

"You'd yell at me, you'd yell at your brother! And none of the nurses bothered to help us! We got ZERO sleep that night!"

We were all laughing at that point. The kids were off in their own la-la-lands.


 "Okay," catching his breath "do you remember anything else from that night?"

"No I told you," I answered back. "Why? Should I? I have a brain injury for God sakes!"
"Okay," Rob said, trying to control himself. "Let me remind you and see if anything stands out. You asked me, quite directly, might I add, 'what'd you do and go get your wife pregnant?' "

"WHAT!?" I nearly yelled! "How on earth would I know that! Besides, I was drugged! Wasn't I just out of a coma?"

Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, looking at each other. The silence was starting to bother me, so I had to say something first.

"So??? What happened with all of that?" No answer. I was getting irritated with no answers."Hello? Is anyone going to answer me? Or, do I have to read minds?"

Everyone started to laugh out loud! "Oh my God! Will one of you guys tell me what is so funny?"

"I just found out that I'm pregnant! Here's the home pregnancy test." Brandy took it out of her purse and gave it to me.

Sure enough, the test proved she was pregnant. I jumped the best I could to give her great hugs, then hugs to my brother! What an awesome time when we had so little to start with!

After the hugs, I calmed down a bit and gave the test back to Brandy. Robert and Jade were still off in their own worlds, imaginations going to work. Brandy sat in her own happiness, but she had a questionable expression on her face. It was the same look that my brother Rob had.

"So..." Rob said matter-of-factly..."how did you know it was coming?"

"How did I know WHAT was coming?" God was I confused now!

"How did you know Brandy would get pregnant? Why did you yell the questions at me?"

"I honestly don't know what you mean Rob, but I'm very thrilled for the both of you. I mean, you both tried for years....and now here's the time." More hugs to them both, "I'm so proud of all of you."

Rob and Brandy came to share their news, and came to get answers as to how I already knew. But, I never really knew the answers they were looking for.

Days later, I was doing good with my walker. I still had to stay in my wheelchair most of the day. But, during physical therapy, I could use my walker. Speech therapy went good also. Laurie Ann had started Electric Stimulation on my face, in an effort to awaken the nerves that were asleep then.

On another day, my mom brought to me a CD player, and a CD book from John Grisham.

"We know  how much you love reading your books," she said one day. "Until you can focus your eyes better, you can hear the stories. You may have read this book before." She handed me the cover to the book on CD package.

"I'll check it out later this evening, after therapy," I told her.

The rest of the day went uneventful. Mom shared with me how Robert was doing with Brandy and Rob. She told me how Brandy's first doctor appointment went. Wow, I thought, Brandy's having a baby. It was just amazing to me. Mom said I'd be home to see this one grow up. I just was starting to be happy I survived the fall.

When it got later that evening, I washed up and got into bed. I got my CD player with me, along with my books, and my earphones. At first, I didnt notice anything wrong. I was happy to hears books, to hear different voices speaking. I slowly went to sleep that evening.

The next morning, I was informed by a nurse that I didnt have to get ready early, that my first therapy wasn't until 10:30. So, with my cup of coffee, I sat up in bed and grabbed my CD player, got the headphones on again, and turned on the sound.

I turned the book sounds up to hear them, but I struggled to hear. Maybe the headphones were on the wrong way? I switched them to the other ears. But still, I heard the same thing, nothing. Hmmm, I thought alone. Maybe I'll try another day.

The Funnies from Inside the Hospital

Ok, promised I'd write just on the funny things I'd done. Just now, I thought I'd make 2 blogs, 1 from inside the hospital and 1 while at home. Both are just hilarious! If you don't find it funny, then you have no sense of humor!

#1

A few weeks into staying at the rehab hopsital, I still want allowed to eat. My mom was there, and I was just sitting in my wheelchair, having conversations over I don't really know what. My eyes were eyeing something else at the moment.

For whatever reason, I started to head to the bathroom, passing where my "room mate" slept. Quickly (or so I thought) I snagged her bag of potato chips she'd left on her eating tray. I quickly stuffed the chips down beside me, between me and the wheelchair. Then, I headed to the bathroom to, well, I don't know my next move. HA HA! But, my mom had caught me grabbing the chips!

"Elicia! Put those back! You know you can't eat those!" she yelled at me...

"Well she's not going to!" I yelled back...I put them back on her tray.

#2
Mom went with me on a usual day to all my therapies. By then, I'd gotten good at "driving" myself around with my feet on the wheelhair. So, I'd keep the leg rests to the sides. When we went to speech therapy, mom sat down. When I came to the same table, I smacked mom's leg with the leg rest.
"Due to my brain injury, I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do, including that" I said, and then started laughing! She gave an odd look and smiled.

#3
Another time in speech therapy, Laurie Ann and I were talking about some of my tattoos. Mom was there. She's my witness! HAHA I told Laurie Ann when I got home, I was getting "sleeves" tattooed on my arms.

Ok, maybe there's not too many when I was in the hospital. But, the few are funny! I don't care who ya are, that there is funny!

Slowly my brain progresses

It was such a joy to see everyone at one home together! My brother and his wife came, along with their little girl Jade. Mostly, my son and Jade ran around, acting like they were brother and sister. They'd finish each others sentences of how whatever game they were playing went. It was cute...

I got to spend time with Robert and Brandy. I got to hear from Brandy, when I had to have my head shaved for the surgeries, Robert cried, saying he was going to do the same thing. Before, I had hair almost to my behind. Now, it was stubbles.

I still had the bandage around my head where the wound was. For some reason, it still hadn't scabbed over.

Mom was there, my dad was there. The only other brother that was missing was my oldest brother Les, he lived in Iowa. But, he called while I was home. For some reason, I didnt recognize his voice, at all. Why didnt I recognize his voice? I started to quietly think back to us growing up, and I didnt remember a single memory that involved Les in it.

Overall, it was a good afternoon with my family. Mom took me back to the hospital, I think my son didnt come with us this time. I want to say that it would've been too hard on him. But, I can't remember all that well.

Back at the hospital, I checked in at the nurses' station and went to my room. I was confused, there was no more net bed! I worked hard on all of my therapies so the doctor had it removed!!! Mom and I were so happy over what I'd accomplished so far.

Mom stuck around for a bit as I enjoyed my "new" bed. I could get in and out of it freely, which I can't describe how nice that was! Mom sat there, just smiling, with an occasional tear, of happiness she called it.

I wanted to bring up the phone call I'd made, and why she told me to get off the phone so abruptedly. But, I didnt. There was that uneasy feeling again. I wondered to myself, why do I keep having this bad feeling?

Regardless, I was happy. Maybe it was a simple net to some people, but to me, it was a HUGE step forward in regaining some independence. A nurse came in and congradulated me on the net'bed being removed.

"You still need to let us know when you're getting out of bed," the nurse said to me. "I'm very proud of you, Elicia. You've come so far!" She put a hand on mom's shoulder and then left the room.

"Wow, this is so awesome!" I said cheerfully. I was trying to bounce a bit on the bed, but my balance wouldnt let me. Oh well, I thought. I can keep my legs off the bed whenever I want.

"You have come a long way my girl," mom said. She sat there smiling a huge grin, trying to hold back the tears of happiness. No way was I going to bring up what happened earlier with me on the phone. We'll deal with that another day.