Unkwown title....my ventings

Back at the hospital, I laid on my bed and decided to watch some TV. My phone rang; it was him.

I find it very hard to write about this time. Now, 3 years later, I know how cruel he is. I know how abusive he is, how much of an alcoholic he is. Looking back is just a struggle now...knowing too much reality about him.

I wish I could fast forward through this time, wipe it out of my memory. I wish I could wipe out the entire three years, like this never happened to me. I will never know the reason of why...I will never know how God allowed all of this to happen to me. There was a time that I was okay with it, thankful for how it transformed my life. And, in a way, I still am thankful. I wouldnt be a good mom, had this not happened. I wouldnt have learned from the mistakes I made. Hmmm, I would've probably died from those mistakes.

But, from time to time, I still find myself in a way, arguing with God. Why? Why did this happen? Had I been so wrong in life? Just...why?

And the siezures I have to this day...even though I'd had them before the fall, they are now stronger, more frequent...the deafness, the partial facial paralysis. I know I'll write more about this, I promise. I guess this blog is one of my ventings, I guess that's why the blog was named "Elicia Venting."

I know that God never allows us to go through more than He knows we can bear. But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to quit. To cry out, to even scream. Yes, I'm human...but I have days of wanting to break down, of telling God that He was wrong. But again, who am I to say that God is wrong? After all, wasn't He who pulled me out of this hell? Wasn't it Him who gave me a second chance to make things right again? Maybe my life is like a catch-22. Be thankful for what I have still, but take deep breaths over the hard days...

I know this much...I am thankful for this change in heart, hard as it is to say. I'm in a way, happier, more thankful for each day, thankful for my friends, thankful for my family, thankful just in general.

I see things in a different view now. I try my hardest not to hate or be negative, like I used to be. I now know that life is a gift, and I don't want to waste it like I'd done before. I know I hold onto each day, I thank God for that day, over and over again. I thank God for the people He's put in my life.