Back at the hospital, I laid on my bed and decided to watch some TV. My phone rang; it was him.
I find it very hard to write about this time. Now, 3 years later, I know how cruel he is. I know how abusive he is, how much of an alcoholic he is. Looking back is just a struggle now...knowing too much reality about him.
I wish I could fast forward through this time, wipe it out of my memory. I wish I could wipe out the entire three years, like this never happened to me. I will never know the reason of why...I will never know how God allowed all of this to happen to me. There was a time that I was okay with it, thankful for how it transformed my life. And, in a way, I still am thankful. I wouldnt be a good mom, had this not happened. I wouldnt have learned from the mistakes I made. Hmmm, I would've probably died from those mistakes.
But, from time to time, I still find myself in a way, arguing with God. Why? Why did this happen? Had I been so wrong in life? Just...why?
And the siezures I have to this day...even though I'd had them before the fall, they are now stronger, more frequent...the deafness, the partial facial paralysis. I know I'll write more about this, I promise. I guess this blog is one of my ventings, I guess that's why the blog was named "Elicia Venting."
I know that God never allows us to go through more than He knows we can bear. But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to quit. To cry out, to even scream. Yes, I'm human...but I have days of wanting to break down, of telling God that He was wrong. But again, who am I to say that God is wrong? After all, wasn't He who pulled me out of this hell? Wasn't it Him who gave me a second chance to make things right again? Maybe my life is like a catch-22. Be thankful for what I have still, but take deep breaths over the hard days...
I know this much...I am thankful for this change in heart, hard as it is to say. I'm in a way, happier, more thankful for each day, thankful for my friends, thankful for my family, thankful just in general.
I see things in a different view now. I try my hardest not to hate or be negative, like I used to be. I now know that life is a gift, and I don't want to waste it like I'd done before. I know I hold onto each day, I thank God for that day, over and over again. I thank God for the people He's put in my life.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Second visit home
For whatever reason, I was given a second home pass. By this time, my head wound was nearly healed, but there were still bandages for who knows why. When I left the hospital, I ripped off the bandage. Let the wound have air, I thought to myself. Let it heal on its own, quit giving it unneeded medicines.
I was a tad more direct than last time I visited home. I had my mom buy me cigarettes, threw out the patch the hospital had me on, and attempted to hang out with my brother. Sad, almost funny part was, I had no muscle control on the right side of my face. So, with each inhale, I couldn't really hold the smoke in my mouth. So, it just came out when it wanted. And, I chain smoked. Again, without having a reason, I smoked nonstop.
Again, I got to see everyone. The guy they said was my oldest brother, Leslie, he called. Who was this guy? I asked myself.
Jade was there, playing outside with Robert. People came to visit, some stayed, some came and went. Rob and Brandy shared the latest from her doctor visit, she was about 6 weeks pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant? I thought they'd tried for years with no success? And now, she's pregnant?
When I had a moment alone, I called him again. This time, I gave him my hospital phone number, so that we could keep in touch while I was still there. This time, my mom (I don't think) didn't know.
I was a tad more direct than last time I visited home. I had my mom buy me cigarettes, threw out the patch the hospital had me on, and attempted to hang out with my brother. Sad, almost funny part was, I had no muscle control on the right side of my face. So, with each inhale, I couldn't really hold the smoke in my mouth. So, it just came out when it wanted. And, I chain smoked. Again, without having a reason, I smoked nonstop.
Again, I got to see everyone. The guy they said was my oldest brother, Leslie, he called. Who was this guy? I asked myself.
Jade was there, playing outside with Robert. People came to visit, some stayed, some came and went. Rob and Brandy shared the latest from her doctor visit, she was about 6 weeks pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant? I thought they'd tried for years with no success? And now, she's pregnant?
When I had a moment alone, I called him again. This time, I gave him my hospital phone number, so that we could keep in touch while I was still there. This time, my mom (I don't think) didn't know.
Monday, January 17, 2011
My first doctor visit
Countdown to going home!
I had just a few weeks to go. I was quickly progressing through all my therapies. I had another swallow test, which I passed. I was now allowed soft foods, with no thickeners. Cereals, eggs, mashed potatoes. I still had the protein shakes 3 times a day. I ordered coffee for every meal.
My parents would take turns coming to visit. One time my dad came to visit, I was laying on my bed, watching television. He is a quiet man, who loves to read. He came in, gave me hugs, asked how I was doing. And then, he comensed to reading a book he'd brought with him. So, I commensed to watching the television. After 30 minutes or so, he gave me hugs again, said that mom would be there tomorrow, and left. Such a quiet, peaceful man.
One day, my brother, my sister-in-law Brandy, Jade, and my son came to visit. Jade and Robert did their usual "brother/sister" stories, while the adults talked to me.
"Do you remember Brandy and I staying one night with you at Aultman?" my brother asked me.
"Vaguely. I remember bugging you for a cigarette, but thats it," I answered, kinda laughing at myself.
"Ok," he answered back laughing also. He looked at Brandy, who was also chuckling. "Do you remember anything else that happened that night?"
"No," I answered, kind of confused now. "Am I supposed to remember anything?"
"Oh my God!" Brandy laughed out loud! "You were such a wreck that night! You were a mean monster! And thats being nice about it!" She continued.
"You'd yell at me, you'd yell at your brother! And none of the nurses bothered to help us! We got ZERO sleep that night!"
We were all laughing at that point. The kids were off in their own la-la-lands.
"Okay," catching his breath "do you remember anything else from that night?"
"No I told you," I answered back. "Why? Should I? I have a brain injury for God sakes!"
"Okay," Rob said, trying to control himself. "Let me remind you and see if anything stands out. You asked me, quite directly, might I add, 'what'd you do and go get your wife pregnant?' "
"WHAT!?" I nearly yelled! "How on earth would I know that! Besides, I was drugged! Wasn't I just out of a coma?"
Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, looking at each other. The silence was starting to bother me, so I had to say something first.
"So??? What happened with all of that?" No answer. I was getting irritated with no answers."Hello? Is anyone going to answer me? Or, do I have to read minds?"
Everyone started to laugh out loud! "Oh my God! Will one of you guys tell me what is so funny?"
"I just found out that I'm pregnant! Here's the home pregnancy test." Brandy took it out of her purse and gave it to me.
Sure enough, the test proved she was pregnant. I jumped the best I could to give her great hugs, then hugs to my brother! What an awesome time when we had so little to start with!
After the hugs, I calmed down a bit and gave the test back to Brandy. Robert and Jade were still off in their own worlds, imaginations going to work. Brandy sat in her own happiness, but she had a questionable expression on her face. It was the same look that my brother Rob had.
"So..." Rob said matter-of-factly..."how did you know it was coming?"
"How did I know WHAT was coming?" God was I confused now!
"How did you know Brandy would get pregnant? Why did you yell the questions at me?"
"I honestly don't know what you mean Rob, but I'm very thrilled for the both of you. I mean, you both tried for years....and now here's the time." More hugs to them both, "I'm so proud of all of you."
Rob and Brandy came to share their news, and came to get answers as to how I already knew. But, I never really knew the answers they were looking for.
Days later, I was doing good with my walker. I still had to stay in my wheelchair most of the day. But, during physical therapy, I could use my walker. Speech therapy went good also. Laurie Ann had started Electric Stimulation on my face, in an effort to awaken the nerves that were asleep then.
On another day, my mom brought to me a CD player, and a CD book from John Grisham.
"We know how much you love reading your books," she said one day. "Until you can focus your eyes better, you can hear the stories. You may have read this book before." She handed me the cover to the book on CD package.
"I'll check it out later this evening, after therapy," I told her.
The rest of the day went uneventful. Mom shared with me how Robert was doing with Brandy and Rob. She told me how Brandy's first doctor appointment went. Wow, I thought, Brandy's having a baby. It was just amazing to me. Mom said I'd be home to see this one grow up. I just was starting to be happy I survived the fall.
When it got later that evening, I washed up and got into bed. I got my CD player with me, along with my books, and my earphones. At first, I didnt notice anything wrong. I was happy to hears books, to hear different voices speaking. I slowly went to sleep that evening.
The next morning, I was informed by a nurse that I didnt have to get ready early, that my first therapy wasn't until 10:30. So, with my cup of coffee, I sat up in bed and grabbed my CD player, got the headphones on again, and turned on the sound.
I turned the book sounds up to hear them, but I struggled to hear. Maybe the headphones were on the wrong way? I switched them to the other ears. But still, I heard the same thing, nothing. Hmmm, I thought alone. Maybe I'll try another day.
My parents would take turns coming to visit. One time my dad came to visit, I was laying on my bed, watching television. He is a quiet man, who loves to read. He came in, gave me hugs, asked how I was doing. And then, he comensed to reading a book he'd brought with him. So, I commensed to watching the television. After 30 minutes or so, he gave me hugs again, said that mom would be there tomorrow, and left. Such a quiet, peaceful man.
One day, my brother, my sister-in-law Brandy, Jade, and my son came to visit. Jade and Robert did their usual "brother/sister" stories, while the adults talked to me.
"Do you remember Brandy and I staying one night with you at Aultman?" my brother asked me.
"Vaguely. I remember bugging you for a cigarette, but thats it," I answered, kinda laughing at myself.
"Ok," he answered back laughing also. He looked at Brandy, who was also chuckling. "Do you remember anything else that happened that night?"
"No," I answered, kind of confused now. "Am I supposed to remember anything?"
"Oh my God!" Brandy laughed out loud! "You were such a wreck that night! You were a mean monster! And thats being nice about it!" She continued.
"You'd yell at me, you'd yell at your brother! And none of the nurses bothered to help us! We got ZERO sleep that night!"
We were all laughing at that point. The kids were off in their own la-la-lands.
"Okay," catching his breath "do you remember anything else from that night?"
"No I told you," I answered back. "Why? Should I? I have a brain injury for God sakes!"
"Okay," Rob said, trying to control himself. "Let me remind you and see if anything stands out. You asked me, quite directly, might I add, 'what'd you do and go get your wife pregnant?' "
"WHAT!?" I nearly yelled! "How on earth would I know that! Besides, I was drugged! Wasn't I just out of a coma?"
Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, looking at each other. The silence was starting to bother me, so I had to say something first.
"So??? What happened with all of that?" No answer. I was getting irritated with no answers."Hello? Is anyone going to answer me? Or, do I have to read minds?"
Everyone started to laugh out loud! "Oh my God! Will one of you guys tell me what is so funny?"
"I just found out that I'm pregnant! Here's the home pregnancy test." Brandy took it out of her purse and gave it to me.
Sure enough, the test proved she was pregnant. I jumped the best I could to give her great hugs, then hugs to my brother! What an awesome time when we had so little to start with!
After the hugs, I calmed down a bit and gave the test back to Brandy. Robert and Jade were still off in their own worlds, imaginations going to work. Brandy sat in her own happiness, but she had a questionable expression on her face. It was the same look that my brother Rob had.
"So..." Rob said matter-of-factly..."how did you know it was coming?"
"How did I know WHAT was coming?" God was I confused now!
"How did you know Brandy would get pregnant? Why did you yell the questions at me?"
"I honestly don't know what you mean Rob, but I'm very thrilled for the both of you. I mean, you both tried for years....and now here's the time." More hugs to them both, "I'm so proud of all of you."
Rob and Brandy came to share their news, and came to get answers as to how I already knew. But, I never really knew the answers they were looking for.
Days later, I was doing good with my walker. I still had to stay in my wheelchair most of the day. But, during physical therapy, I could use my walker. Speech therapy went good also. Laurie Ann had started Electric Stimulation on my face, in an effort to awaken the nerves that were asleep then.
On another day, my mom brought to me a CD player, and a CD book from John Grisham.
"We know how much you love reading your books," she said one day. "Until you can focus your eyes better, you can hear the stories. You may have read this book before." She handed me the cover to the book on CD package.
"I'll check it out later this evening, after therapy," I told her.
The rest of the day went uneventful. Mom shared with me how Robert was doing with Brandy and Rob. She told me how Brandy's first doctor appointment went. Wow, I thought, Brandy's having a baby. It was just amazing to me. Mom said I'd be home to see this one grow up. I just was starting to be happy I survived the fall.
When it got later that evening, I washed up and got into bed. I got my CD player with me, along with my books, and my earphones. At first, I didnt notice anything wrong. I was happy to hears books, to hear different voices speaking. I slowly went to sleep that evening.
The next morning, I was informed by a nurse that I didnt have to get ready early, that my first therapy wasn't until 10:30. So, with my cup of coffee, I sat up in bed and grabbed my CD player, got the headphones on again, and turned on the sound.
I turned the book sounds up to hear them, but I struggled to hear. Maybe the headphones were on the wrong way? I switched them to the other ears. But still, I heard the same thing, nothing. Hmmm, I thought alone. Maybe I'll try another day.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Funnies from Inside the Hospital
Ok, promised I'd write just on the funny things I'd done. Just now, I thought I'd make 2 blogs, 1 from inside the hospital and 1 while at home. Both are just hilarious! If you don't find it funny, then you have no sense of humor!
#1
A few weeks into staying at the rehab hopsital, I still want allowed to eat. My mom was there, and I was just sitting in my wheelchair, having conversations over I don't really know what. My eyes were eyeing something else at the moment.
For whatever reason, I started to head to the bathroom, passing where my "room mate" slept. Quickly (or so I thought) I snagged her bag of potato chips she'd left on her eating tray. I quickly stuffed the chips down beside me, between me and the wheelchair. Then, I headed to the bathroom to, well, I don't know my next move. HA HA! But, my mom had caught me grabbing the chips!
"Elicia! Put those back! You know you can't eat those!" she yelled at me...
"Well she's not going to!" I yelled back...I put them back on her tray.
#2
Mom went with me on a usual day to all my therapies. By then, I'd gotten good at "driving" myself around with my feet on the wheelhair. So, I'd keep the leg rests to the sides. When we went to speech therapy, mom sat down. When I came to the same table, I smacked mom's leg with the leg rest.
"Due to my brain injury, I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do, including that" I said, and then started laughing! She gave an odd look and smiled.
#3
Another time in speech therapy, Laurie Ann and I were talking about some of my tattoos. Mom was there. She's my witness! HAHA I told Laurie Ann when I got home, I was getting "sleeves" tattooed on my arms.
Ok, maybe there's not too many when I was in the hospital. But, the few are funny! I don't care who ya are, that there is funny!
#1
A few weeks into staying at the rehab hopsital, I still want allowed to eat. My mom was there, and I was just sitting in my wheelchair, having conversations over I don't really know what. My eyes were eyeing something else at the moment.
For whatever reason, I started to head to the bathroom, passing where my "room mate" slept. Quickly (or so I thought) I snagged her bag of potato chips she'd left on her eating tray. I quickly stuffed the chips down beside me, between me and the wheelchair. Then, I headed to the bathroom to, well, I don't know my next move. HA HA! But, my mom had caught me grabbing the chips!
"Elicia! Put those back! You know you can't eat those!" she yelled at me...
"Well she's not going to!" I yelled back...I put them back on her tray.
#2
Mom went with me on a usual day to all my therapies. By then, I'd gotten good at "driving" myself around with my feet on the wheelhair. So, I'd keep the leg rests to the sides. When we went to speech therapy, mom sat down. When I came to the same table, I smacked mom's leg with the leg rest.
"Due to my brain injury, I cannot be held responsible for anything I say or do, including that" I said, and then started laughing! She gave an odd look and smiled.
#3
Another time in speech therapy, Laurie Ann and I were talking about some of my tattoos. Mom was there. She's my witness! HAHA I told Laurie Ann when I got home, I was getting "sleeves" tattooed on my arms.
Ok, maybe there's not too many when I was in the hospital. But, the few are funny! I don't care who ya are, that there is funny!
Slowly my brain progresses
It was such a joy to see everyone at one home together! My brother and his wife came, along with their little girl Jade. Mostly, my son and Jade ran around, acting like they were brother and sister. They'd finish each others sentences of how whatever game they were playing went. It was cute...
I got to spend time with Robert and Brandy. I got to hear from Brandy, when I had to have my head shaved for the surgeries, Robert cried, saying he was going to do the same thing. Before, I had hair almost to my behind. Now, it was stubbles.
I still had the bandage around my head where the wound was. For some reason, it still hadn't scabbed over.
Mom was there, my dad was there. The only other brother that was missing was my oldest brother Les, he lived in Iowa. But, he called while I was home. For some reason, I didnt recognize his voice, at all. Why didnt I recognize his voice? I started to quietly think back to us growing up, and I didnt remember a single memory that involved Les in it.
Overall, it was a good afternoon with my family. Mom took me back to the hospital, I think my son didnt come with us this time. I want to say that it would've been too hard on him. But, I can't remember all that well.
Back at the hospital, I checked in at the nurses' station and went to my room. I was confused, there was no more net bed! I worked hard on all of my therapies so the doctor had it removed!!! Mom and I were so happy over what I'd accomplished so far.
Mom stuck around for a bit as I enjoyed my "new" bed. I could get in and out of it freely, which I can't describe how nice that was! Mom sat there, just smiling, with an occasional tear, of happiness she called it.
I wanted to bring up the phone call I'd made, and why she told me to get off the phone so abruptedly. But, I didnt. There was that uneasy feeling again. I wondered to myself, why do I keep having this bad feeling?
Regardless, I was happy. Maybe it was a simple net to some people, but to me, it was a HUGE step forward in regaining some independence. A nurse came in and congradulated me on the net'bed being removed.
"You still need to let us know when you're getting out of bed," the nurse said to me. "I'm very proud of you, Elicia. You've come so far!" She put a hand on mom's shoulder and then left the room.
"Wow, this is so awesome!" I said cheerfully. I was trying to bounce a bit on the bed, but my balance wouldnt let me. Oh well, I thought. I can keep my legs off the bed whenever I want.
"You have come a long way my girl," mom said. She sat there smiling a huge grin, trying to hold back the tears of happiness. No way was I going to bring up what happened earlier with me on the phone. We'll deal with that another day.
I got to spend time with Robert and Brandy. I got to hear from Brandy, when I had to have my head shaved for the surgeries, Robert cried, saying he was going to do the same thing. Before, I had hair almost to my behind. Now, it was stubbles.
I still had the bandage around my head where the wound was. For some reason, it still hadn't scabbed over.
Mom was there, my dad was there. The only other brother that was missing was my oldest brother Les, he lived in Iowa. But, he called while I was home. For some reason, I didnt recognize his voice, at all. Why didnt I recognize his voice? I started to quietly think back to us growing up, and I didnt remember a single memory that involved Les in it.
Overall, it was a good afternoon with my family. Mom took me back to the hospital, I think my son didnt come with us this time. I want to say that it would've been too hard on him. But, I can't remember all that well.
Back at the hospital, I checked in at the nurses' station and went to my room. I was confused, there was no more net bed! I worked hard on all of my therapies so the doctor had it removed!!! Mom and I were so happy over what I'd accomplished so far.
Mom stuck around for a bit as I enjoyed my "new" bed. I could get in and out of it freely, which I can't describe how nice that was! Mom sat there, just smiling, with an occasional tear, of happiness she called it.
I wanted to bring up the phone call I'd made, and why she told me to get off the phone so abruptedly. But, I didnt. There was that uneasy feeling again. I wondered to myself, why do I keep having this bad feeling?
Regardless, I was happy. Maybe it was a simple net to some people, but to me, it was a HUGE step forward in regaining some independence. A nurse came in and congradulated me on the net'bed being removed.
"You still need to let us know when you're getting out of bed," the nurse said to me. "I'm very proud of you, Elicia. You've come so far!" She put a hand on mom's shoulder and then left the room.
"Wow, this is so awesome!" I said cheerfully. I was trying to bounce a bit on the bed, but my balance wouldnt let me. Oh well, I thought. I can keep my legs off the bed whenever I want.
"You have come a long way my girl," mom said. She sat there smiling a huge grin, trying to hold back the tears of happiness. No way was I going to bring up what happened earlier with me on the phone. We'll deal with that another day.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
As the days went on
So, after passing the first swallowing test, I was allowed simple, soft foods to eat. The nurses no longer gave me foods via the feeding tube. They simply flushed sterial water down, and then sucked in back up in a tube to keep it from closing on the inside.
Boy was I extatic to be able to eat again! And coffee! I got coffee in the mornings! Oh man, how I loved coffee (still do to this day)! They served thickened juices, grits (whatever that consisted of) and started me on protein shakes to help me gain weight. I drank 3 of those a day. I didnt realize what they were at first, but man did they taste good!! I think anything I could get down my throat tasted good at that point! Main point was, I COULD SWALLOW AGAIN!
Physical therapy progressed, to help better my led coordination. My right leg tended to drag, because of the damage done to my brain. So, we focused on walking with the walker and doing more exercises with a focus on the right side.
I remember one morning when I got up to get ready for the day, a male OT came in to do ADLs with me (activites of daily living). He wanted to see and note how I did with taking care of myself in the mornings, WHICH INCLUDED SHOWERING!!!! I can't explain how abruptedly I told him to wait behind to shower curtain, that I refused for him to see me undressed. (Here's where my brain started working) Why in God's name did whatever OTR assign A MALE to work with me on my ADLs!!
So I showered, ALONE. They provided a shower chair for me, so (obviously) I wouldnt fall (sure as heck didnt want that). They even provided a razor, for me to shave! Ha ha! To shave! Swear my hairs were growing forests! And for the record, on another blog, I intend to write strictly on the goof ups I did while in and out of the hospital! Oh my God! How funny they are, even to this day!
Sometime, around the first week of July, I got a home pass, meaning that I could go home for the day, to see how I managed there. I was so extremely excited! I can't remember the last time I was so excited to go home, even for only a day!!! And, this is when I started to notice things, for the first time. I started to question, in my mind, what really happened that dreadful night.
My mom was late in picking me up, which drove me crazy! She had my little boy with her, who apparently was getting car sick the entire way up there. Thats what took them so long. Robert could barely hold in his excitement of me getting to visit! Mom checked me out at the nurses' station, and I happily said my goodbyes, with goofy promises to be back that evening.
When I got home, I strolled around in my wheelchair. I figured out how to get around there, into the bathroom, the living room, and so forth. Being the OT mom was, she had all of the rooms made just for a person in a wheelchair. Who knew I'd actually be the first person to try out her design?
I went outside with the cordless phone. Alone, I dialed HIS phone number. At first, our conversation was wonderful. I hadn't heard his voice in such a long time. We talked about how I was home for a visit, how my therapy was going there, my eating test, so on. In the back of my mind, something was wrong. I couldnt put my finger on it at that point, but I just had a sick feeling about things.
When we talked about his recovery, things started to bother me even more. Alone in my thoughts, I started slowly to remember some of the abuse he dished out. I started to remember the break in my hand, the broken nose. And, I vaguely remembered, did he break my cheekbone?
At some point in the conversation, my mom came outside. She figured out who I was talking with, and a big look of concern came across her face. I learned throughout the years, my mom's facial expressions usually told us what was on her mind. The look she continued to give me furthered my curiousity of what really happened.
Mom told me to get off of the phone. With a look of why, she said again to just get off the phone. I shrugged, and then complied. With a quick I love you, I hung up.
"Why are you being so upset with me talking to him?" I asked with an attitude. "I don't understand why you're so mad at him."
"Elicia," she said. "Just don't go there."
With the attitude I still had, I just said whatever.
Boy was I extatic to be able to eat again! And coffee! I got coffee in the mornings! Oh man, how I loved coffee (still do to this day)! They served thickened juices, grits (whatever that consisted of) and started me on protein shakes to help me gain weight. I drank 3 of those a day. I didnt realize what they were at first, but man did they taste good!! I think anything I could get down my throat tasted good at that point! Main point was, I COULD SWALLOW AGAIN!
Physical therapy progressed, to help better my led coordination. My right leg tended to drag, because of the damage done to my brain. So, we focused on walking with the walker and doing more exercises with a focus on the right side.
I remember one morning when I got up to get ready for the day, a male OT came in to do ADLs with me (activites of daily living). He wanted to see and note how I did with taking care of myself in the mornings, WHICH INCLUDED SHOWERING!!!! I can't explain how abruptedly I told him to wait behind to shower curtain, that I refused for him to see me undressed. (Here's where my brain started working) Why in God's name did whatever OTR assign A MALE to work with me on my ADLs!!
So I showered, ALONE. They provided a shower chair for me, so (obviously) I wouldnt fall (sure as heck didnt want that). They even provided a razor, for me to shave! Ha ha! To shave! Swear my hairs were growing forests! And for the record, on another blog, I intend to write strictly on the goof ups I did while in and out of the hospital! Oh my God! How funny they are, even to this day!
Sometime, around the first week of July, I got a home pass, meaning that I could go home for the day, to see how I managed there. I was so extremely excited! I can't remember the last time I was so excited to go home, even for only a day!!! And, this is when I started to notice things, for the first time. I started to question, in my mind, what really happened that dreadful night.
My mom was late in picking me up, which drove me crazy! She had my little boy with her, who apparently was getting car sick the entire way up there. Thats what took them so long. Robert could barely hold in his excitement of me getting to visit! Mom checked me out at the nurses' station, and I happily said my goodbyes, with goofy promises to be back that evening.
When I got home, I strolled around in my wheelchair. I figured out how to get around there, into the bathroom, the living room, and so forth. Being the OT mom was, she had all of the rooms made just for a person in a wheelchair. Who knew I'd actually be the first person to try out her design?
I went outside with the cordless phone. Alone, I dialed HIS phone number. At first, our conversation was wonderful. I hadn't heard his voice in such a long time. We talked about how I was home for a visit, how my therapy was going there, my eating test, so on. In the back of my mind, something was wrong. I couldnt put my finger on it at that point, but I just had a sick feeling about things.
When we talked about his recovery, things started to bother me even more. Alone in my thoughts, I started slowly to remember some of the abuse he dished out. I started to remember the break in my hand, the broken nose. And, I vaguely remembered, did he break my cheekbone?
At some point in the conversation, my mom came outside. She figured out who I was talking with, and a big look of concern came across her face. I learned throughout the years, my mom's facial expressions usually told us what was on her mind. The look she continued to give me furthered my curiousity of what really happened.
Mom told me to get off of the phone. With a look of why, she said again to just get off the phone. I shrugged, and then complied. With a quick I love you, I hung up.
"Why are you being so upset with me talking to him?" I asked with an attitude. "I don't understand why you're so mad at him."
"Elicia," she said. "Just don't go there."
With the attitude I still had, I just said whatever.
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